NOPE List: Humans Biting Humans

This is a continuation of my weekly Nope! List. Things that are featured here are things that will make you say “NOPE!” when you see/read/hear them. It may be stories, pictures, videos, basically whatever I find in my forays around the interwebs. Let me know in the comments or email ( if you know of something that should be featured!

I’m sure that everyone has heard about the recent attacks from zombies (people supposedly on bath salts) on other people, and if you haven’t, here’s the story that started it all. There have been quite a few other attacks like this one (although none quite as gruesome) and it really scares me to know what drugs (or unknown viruses that are being hidden by the government) can do to people.

Well, last weekend, I experienced my own zombie attack. And I am really disappointed in the way I handled the whole situation. I sometimes work valet on the weekends. It’s a cool gig, nothing too special, but when I work the crazy clubs is when I get to do some serious people watching. I have been working this particular club for about a month, and nothing too crazy happened.

This past Saturday, however, I pulled up a BMW, and the door was stuck so it took me a second to get out. Meanwhile, the lady of the party gets in the passenger side and GRABS MY ARM AND BITES IT ON THE FLESH!!!!!! Like real hard, too. A human individual bit my arm.

(This is why I’m disappointed in my reaction.) I politely asked her not to do that after I threw her off of me into her passenger window. I got out of the car, collected my tip, and ran off to get the next car. I look at my arm, and there was definitely a mark, but it did not break the skin. I didn’t take any pictures immediately, unfortunately, but here is what it looks like as of a couple of days ago:

Thwarted zombie attack. As you can see, it’s pretty yellow, although it has changed color frequently the past few days. It may look swollen, but that’s just my huge bicep sticking out.

I have studied my plan for the apocalypse. I know, in my head, what to do if I get attacked by a zombie. So, some of my friends have asked me, “why did you let her go?”, “why didn’t you call the cops?”, and things of this nature.  And to be honest, the answer is that I wasn’t prepared. I never thought that when I got into valet, I would have to have a plan of action in case somebody bit me. Now, I know what I will do, and will not be taken aback next time this happens.

So, what’s your plan of defense against the zombie apocalypse? What’s the weirdest thing that has happened to you at work?

9 responses to “NOPE List: Humans Biting Humans

  1. Your bicep? I thought that was a mosquito bite! My bad dog! Well better luck next time you get attacked by a weirdo! You coulda sued for millions though!

  2. The fact that your rambo knife didn’t come out to behead the zombie disappoints me. Next time… also, come to NWA in case of apocalypse and join our commune.

  3. OK…first of all…you said BMW. Right? Dude, right after “OWWWWW!” the next word that should’ve popped in your head was “Lawsuit!!” You would’ve gotten Paaaaaid!

    Good stuff.

    • I know, I know. I really regret not taking that route. But, like I said, I now have a plan, so if it happens again, I’ll be ready. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!

  4. Somehow this comment previously posted under an old blog…but….
    This is hilarious to me! I don’t know how I would’ve responded either…I’m not good with heat-of-the-moment reaction

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