I know I’ve missed two straight weeks of football, and I’m sorry. I am apologizing to myself, because the past couple of weeks have shown us some really good football. But, today, there are more pressing things on my mind. I have been struggling through some doubt lately.
I’m doubting Christianity, I guess, more than God. I don’t doubt at all that there is, at least, an “intelligent being” outside of time and space, bigger and better than I know. I doubt the Bible, a lot. Everything I know about Christianity and God I know through the Bible, so if there’s something that’s not real within it’s pages, my structure falls apart. I believe in God outside of the walls of Christianity, but I’m not quite sure what He looks like. When I do believe in God, as I know Him to be, I doubt His love for me, sometimes. I sometimes doubt that all these motions we go through are worth it. I don’t doubt at all that wonderful things have happened to me, and it seems that somebody has to be looking out for me, but I could just as easily believe that I’ve gotten lucky, and unlucky, at certain times in my life.
There are a thousand more things I doubt, but I don’t want to keep talking about the doubts themselves.
For some reason, I’m pretty sure the doubts themselves aren’t the point. They very well may be, and I’m still working this stuff out, but I feel like the point is something more. I know we all doubt, and you can deny it, but most likely that just means you suppress it. You can preach to me until you’re blue answering all of the above questions and I will only have more, and probably still not believe the answers you’re giving me. I do think it’s important to be scholarly about this stuff, and know why you believe what you believe, I just know it hasn’t helped me doubt less. In fact, the more I have learned about the history, origins, and different theories about Christianity, the more things I doubt.
My question isn’t “Can you prove God to me through my doubts?” Partly because I don’t really believe that God can be proved. I think there is some mysticism and mystery necessary, and I think that’s kind of the point. That’s why there is such a great emphasis on faith throughout our history.
My questions are more along the lines of “Why am I doubting?” “What has brought this season along?” “Am I letting my emotions guide me?” and “How am I going to deal with this?”
And that’s it. I don’t have answers to these questions. I’m not sure I ever will. I’m just asking you.